(Never stop fighting till the fight is done.)
Meanwhile Somewhere in England
I.
“What’s the date?”
“Must be getting on for midsummer judging by the quantity of snails hereabouts.”
“They’ll be ‘ere soon then.”
“Oh I do hope so. I’m craving some sweet indulgence.”
“I know what ya mean. Savoury is good but three months of it gets a bit much.”
“I imagine another week?”
“Bring it on!”
II.
“Quick, wake up.”
“Bloody ‘ell. It’s not even light yet. What is it?”
“I can hear a motor car. They’re here.”
“Blimey! They are a bit eager. You would ‘ave thought after last summer, they would think twice”
“Gluttons for punishment!”
“Hahaha! Come on. Let’s get round there.”
III.
“Here they come, galumphing down the path, thinking they are stripeys in the shadows.”
“Ha yeah, I can ‘ear the ‘whispering’ already. Do you honestly think they believe they are being stealthy? Listen to that reel, sounds like a randy Quacker.”
“Ah yes, the old Allcocks Anas Platyrhynchos Excitavit. Come on, make haste. The sun is coming up. Let us get closer.”
“Look at ‘em looming up there, masters of watercraft. They ‘ave no idea what’s right under their noses. Go on, give ‘em a burst, poor sods need a bit of encouragement… Oh, that’s perfect, they took notice of that. Can barely contain their excitement! I think it will soon be breakfast time.”
“Well I’m certainly ready for it.”
IV.
“Heads down, ‘ere come the yellow plinkers… Oh flippin’ ‘eck, they are so nice, I think I’m going to make meself sick, I can’t stop eating them!”
“’Tis indeed ambrosia. Don’t miss that big juicy piece caught in the weed next to you…Gosh we are making such a commotion, they must be absolutely beside themselves.”
“I bet… Hey, where ya goin’?”
“Just popping up top for a breather and a clearer look, all this silt is making me a bit gilly. Won’t be long.”
“How was it, did they see ya?”
“The big one most certainly did, almost choked on his pork pie. The other one had his fire bowl going, couldn’t see where the smoke began and his eyebrows finished!”
“Ha ha, ‘e gets more unkempt every year! I’ll give it a few minutes and go up and ‘ave a look meself.”
“Well, please can you try to exhibit a modicum of elegance. A nice genteel roll would be nice, not your usual uncouth sploshing. I have my reputation to consider.”
“We all know your reputation! Oh, ‘ere we go, keep your witsabout ya, it looks like they are ready to start.”
“Indeed. Let the games begin!”
V.
“That’s a bit sneaky, the ‘airy one is offering us two bits at a time. He must think we are greedy or somethin’.”
“Well they do seem rather obsessed with our weight, I can’t help that I’ve put on a few ounces over the spring. Downright humiliating, I call it.”
“I know what ya mean but you are looking a bit plump…err, well…sleek and radiant too, of course!”
“Charming.”
“’Ere, watch this… Oh yeah, like taking bloodworm from a baby.”
“Oh, that was hilarious. I can hear his disbelief from here.”
“Ok, he’s back in, dare ya to give ‘im a bit o’ tail.”
“Swish, swash, let it sway in the wash, spin it around, like a corkin a mosh…Ooh, ouch, the bugger nicked me there.”
“Let’s ‘ave a look… Ah, you’ll survive. Trust me, I’m a doctor. You’ve ‘ad worse chasing around with the boys. Tell ya what, I’m gonna give the big one a bit of the old suck ‘n’ blow. Ready?”
“Yes, go on, deep breath… Oh that was magnificent. Whee and up in the tree!”
“Quick, get ready, the ‘airy one is pouring a drink. Time it perfect now… one, two, three…go! Haha, you got ‘im good and proper, I’ve never heard ‘im swear like that before.”
“Did you hear the flask thump on the ground too? He barely rescued a cup-full, I’m very proud of myself for that one. Plus, it would appear that he now has a bonus tangle.”
“That’s a great result! Tell ya what, I’m stuffed and all this effort is making me sleepy. Shall we leave ‘em to contemplate their navels for a while and rest up?”
“Grand idea. Let them ponder their incompetence. Bags sunny corner!”
VI.
“Ooh, how long have we been asleep? Must have been a while, my pecs are so stiff.”
“Quite a few hours I reckon, judgin’ by the sun. Let’s go for a slow mosey round, get the muscles moving. What d’ya say?”
“Sounds like first rate plan.”
“Yeah and on the way back, drop by and see if they are still ‘ere. Top up the old belly and give ‘em another little bit of excitement.”
“You are incorrigible!”
VII.
“I didn’t in all honesty expect them to still be here. Don’t they get bored just sitting there? Listen to them prattling away, complaining about a little bit of rain getting them wet. I don’t see what their problem is, I really don’t.”
“Well let’s give ‘em somethin’ to cheer ‘em up a bit then. I think a bit of double bubble is in order, don’t you?”
“My word, that worked a treat. They can certainly jump to attention when they want to. From sloth to swift in seconds.”
“I don’t fink I’ll ever get bored of this. Give it a bib, give it a bob, what d’ya get, a big ol’ sob.”
“Well don’t get too audacious. I had a narrow squeak two years ago if you remember.”
“Nah, not me, I’m untouchable me.”
VIII.
“What the ‘ell was that! Sounded like a big ol’ conker droppin’ in the water, whizzed right past me. I’ve ‘eard of thrashing the water but that’s ridiculous.”
“I think the hairy one may be getting desperate.”
“It does look a bit odd, all a bit stiff lookin’. Give that bit a flick, tight as a lily stem, innit?”
“My word, yes, not a lot of finesse there. But even so, I have reservations about getting too close.”
“Look, the yellow nuggets have come off. Must’ve ‘appened when it landed. Glad it didn’t hit me on the ‘ead… I’ll be having those freebies then.”
“I’m not at all sure you should, I have a feeling in my laterals that something is amiss, they don’t look right to me. Why would they have come off but still be stuck together like that?”
“Cor blimey, you an’ your laterals! Last time you ‘ad a ‘feelin’ was when that little Jacktooth was staring at ya from the reeds.”
“Yes, well…all the same, I really do think we should move away.”
“Yeah, alright Mrs Mystic, but I’m gonna ‘ave these last two bits first…be rude not to.”
“I implore you, NO!”
“Leave it out. I told ya, I’m untouchable…
OH SHIT!”
Fin
Writing – Knight Heron (Langmere, Norfolk. June 2026)
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